oh schoool.  it stresses me out. *siigh.
and money, too.  but that goes for the majority of people, too.

lately, i've been trying to hold on to like.. happy thoughts, joy, peace.. yehno, the good stuff.  and to try to keep my life in perspective. and i know it's okay to feel angry and frustrated... and i'm confused? should i be mellow?... and create a chill facade?  for a while, i thought that was better.  to be chill and calm or at least make myself think i am.  but oh, i didn't realize that some emotional residue lay there inside me building up.  sounding emo is no bueno.
but i do feel like releasing it... taking a break... i wana climb a mountain duuude! i've been saying it all weekend ahahah... like go hiking or something? some healthy recreational or physical activity to get my blood pumping instead of boiling.

i am blessed.  like, beyond anything and everything i could ever imagine.  so maybe that's why i'm getting a headache lately? i'm frustrated that i feel this way.  i'm frustrated that i'm writing my agitated feelings in this place.  because i feel like i've retrogressed.  argh! (ferocious pirate noise).  i've found myself wanting things? like.. a new guitar, a new laptop, a dslr (that one has been.. like.. for awhile ahahah)... mainly the first two.  and i'm telling myself to stop wanting it.  like seriously, stop trying to somehow save up money for it when there's obviously other things that are more important - like books and food.

duude.

if i were to look inside myself.  there is one mad storm of emotions... like a pot of spicey gumbo? ahahha. ready to explode and splatter in my face.  ? too much? wuh? ahahaha..  yeah. peace. is what i long for.  cuz apparently, it's not in me for very long.  a fleeting peace i would say is what i experience. goes in and out. like the burger joint.

maybe i should call someone up... naaaaaah.. ahahha... i think that's my problem.  i haven't been real with myself.  i haven't allowed myself to just let go of whatever is stopping me from just talking about what's really going on.  as my brother described it, "beating around the bush"... uhh yeah, well  i guess i've been doing that for awhile.

but life goes on.  it's a roller coaster.  no, foreals tho.  i think i'm okay (?) ah, i hear voices of my 'atehs' telling me otherwise... usually the "oh julienne" phrase. 

whatever stirred this restlessness in my heart.  i don't like it.  i'm thinking about things that i thought i was straight with, thought i was good with.  so i don't know why it's resurfacing.  and all i want to do is just let it go.  but really, avoidance is not letting go.. ahahah.

i keep telling myself, open your eyes! cuz i feel like i'm missing something? or like i feel like there's two of me, one frustrated person inside myself, and another chill, random, life is awesome person you'd see randomly on campus.  yeah, it's when i'm just sitting by myself that the thoughts smack me at the side of my head.

ah... the desert.  did it take me this whole time writing this blog to figure out that's how i'm feeling? you'd think i'd start getting used to the feeling and stop complaining.  sorry, guys, not there yet.  i'm a person who needs to process things... uh, clearly, i do this on blogs.  yeah.

k... thirsty.  and restless.  and a longing for peace that hurts right in the center of me.  desert it is.  gota start praying harder and seeking God more deeply.  let's get this party started.

p.s. i'm mad that i haven't gotten one of my assignments for calteach done yet.  i've hit a pretty large block.  and i feel like i'm getting over it at a snail's pace.

or maybe i'm just getting through this desert at a snail's pace.  hmm... interesting.
mMmm... water... living water.

yo, in the end of it all.  i know i am taken care of, and i'm in good Hands.  He is was and will always be here with me.  sometimes, it's just harder for me to hold on when i can't feel Him.  that's where faith comes in, huh. well, let me pray to be faithful.

prayers for a friend and fambam very far away from here.

found it. this helps.
  

help me stop wanting.

appreciate.


hm. tough night. but it's Yours.